Super and Human

It’s now month five of my Sabbatical and I decided my body needed just as much care as my soul and spirit had received so far. If you don't know what I'm talking about, catch-up on my last post, “Eat. Pray. Love Kinda” for context. Next on the agenda was to reassemble all the doctors on my well-being team and start making the rounds.

Making the rounds

For many of them, it had been a while since I visited their offices. In fact, I hadn't been to my OB-GYN (OBstetrician GYNecologist) in so long that when I called to schedule, the doctor's assistant hussled to get me in as soon as possible because, she said, "It has been sooo long. This can't wait." Thankfully, my obgyn said all was as it should be. Hurray for my lady parts!

Next up was my dentist. After all the necessary scans, she walked in cheerfully to give me the news that I needed a root canal and fillings in six teeth! No wonder they'd asked about my diet. I was astounded. I had never had so much as a small cavity and now I needed dental work? Clearly no one needed to tell her I hadn't been to a dentist in a tidy minute. My negligence was evident for all to see. So you know what Tolu did? She thought to herself,

"Well, I'm here and I have time, might as well get it all done and fix this mess."

Somehow it evaded me that a root canal is surgery. Who walks into a doctor's office for a routine check and walks out with a completed surgery? I know who, me! Six and a half hours later, I emerged, numb, demoralized and in need of many hugs. I felt like I'd let myself down. I thought to myself,

“How did I let it get this bad? How did I put my needs so far down the totem pole of priority that I neglected my oral health for so long? Six bloody fillings and a root canal! Ugh! And since we are in America, of course insurance didn't cover all of it. Go figure!"

The results are in

Now, you may be thinking, "Better late than never, Tolu." Sure. But that doesn't change that this fiasco made me sad. You may also say, "Oh it's because we don't realize how important our oral health is.” But my obgyn would argue that can't be the reason. I didn't see her for 5 years even though I know the plans that I have for my lady parts; plans of good, and not of evil, to bring them to a very important expected end. So it can't be ignorance.

In truth, the state of my oral health is a metaphor for the state of my heart prior to this sabbatical. I looked like I was okay on the outside; dazzling white-ish smile, but on the inside was decay crouching at the core. Maybe that's why I took the aggressive route to fix what was wrong with my teeth all at once. My response matched the intensity of this sabbatical. During this Sabbath period, my heart had also undergone intense drilling and clearing out the decay. Many of those once decayed parts were now being filled with love, joy, and grace.

Learning from the metaphor, I understand why moments of this sabbatical have also been filled with sadness. I feel a sense of disappointment in myself for letting things get so bad that I needed months off work. At the same time, I also know that I did the best I knew how to. I am not superhuman, though I'd like to be. It took me a while but I'm finally learning to put my cape down and cut myself some much needed slack.

Capes and armour

Speaking of slack, that's exactly how I felt sitting on the couch weeks after the dentist visit, learning to relax my body. One of my goals during this sabbatical has been to learn tools that I can use in between visits to the people and health care professionals on my well-being team. To that end, my therapist taught me a good technique for deciphering what I'm feeling. As I did the breathing exercise and followed her prompts to relax every part of my body, I realized that my body often acts as armour for my emotions; they carry them so I don't have to feel them. As I relaxed my legs, I asked myself,

"Tolu, what are you feeling?"

And soon the answer came and I realized it was apprehension. I was apprehensive about going back to work. I asked myself why and the answer came just as easily. I wondered to myself,

“Have they missed me?"

I wondered if I'd be wanted back or even needed back. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be successful. Who am I if I'm no longer needed in a place? To be wanted is to belong but to be needed is to be significant. And then I felt my legs aching to bounce. Yup! There my body goes again wanting to absorb the emotion so I don't feel the sting of it. We finished the excercise, did some processing with physical movement and I was able to discharge all my emotions safely and completely. I was also able to radically accept many things, including that I'm not superhuman.

I’m not every woman

So to answer the question I asked before, "How did I let things get this bad?" It is now apparent to me. I had bargained parts of who I am to survive in life. I traded my health for self actualization. I traded my well-being for sugnificance. I traded one legitimate need for another, not realizing I needed to have them all. Like Superman, I had endured exposure to Kryptonite, to save others. Like Iron Man, I feared failure to protect the world and those I love. The only problem is that this is not a DC or Marvel comic and my name is Tolu. No superpowers, no super gadgets.

I'm learning that freedom from the superhuman mindset means I need to stop betraying who I am. I am a very logical thinker that also feels very deeply. It is the reason my body tries to protect me from feeling. (That also explains why words matter to me and why words of affirmation touch me deeply). I am solution oriented and tenderhearted. I needn't be one at the expense of the other. Though I haven't seen many examples of this duality modeled well, I can define that for myself because it is who I am and the only person I can be. I am Tolu. Amazing, yes, and fully human.

Postscript

That "strong" friend, sibling, cousin, aunt, parent, needs to know that it's okay for them to be weak and still be accepted and loved. So tell them today, and if possible show them. Maybe even right this very minute.

Overrated

Jonathan McReynolds phrases my new disposition well in his song Overrated.

Wear an S on my chest even when it don't match what I'm feeling.

Help a friend in distress, always saving instead of healing

And I make it my job to fight bad guys and giants and villains

Well heroes have their limits

Capes get torn and don't get mended

Strong is overrated

So for once I'll just lean on You

And I'll let You do what You do, God

Strong is overrated

You show up like I wish I could

Maybe weakness is for my good

Everything that I dream there's no guarantee that I can do it

There's no word I can speak that can guarantee life, breath, or movement

Oh, but You're not like me, and you step in sometimes just to prove that

You don't have those limits

You are God, but for us humans

Strong is overrated

So this time I'll just lean on You

And I'll let You do what You do, God

Strong is overrated

You show up like I wish I could

Maybe weakness is for my good

I may have to cry just a little bit

I may have to lay here a little while longer

I may have to pray through the thick of it

But when I get weak, Lord, You get stronger