Eat. Pray. Love (Kinda)
"I'm on a Sabbatical" is usually met with the question: "oh, cool. Where have you travelled to?" It's a valid question and a safe assumption that I will follow in the footsteps of Julia Roberts and travel around the word to "find myself" and find true love while I'm at it. I can almost see the disappointment when I reveal that I have not indeed been mentored by Julia herself. I mean, traveling around the world is expensive and seeing as 4 and 5 star resorts aren't free, I shall be resorting in my home or the home of anyone willing to take me.
Today marks 2 months of being on a Sabbatical. Yes, "Tolu the strong" had what I can only categorize as a nervous breakdown. I was burnt out (read as burning down) beyond my own recognition. While there was a global pandemic ravaging lungs and bodies, I myself had a personal pandemic of sorts, ravaging all aspects of who I am. By the end of 2023, my body started dancing to the alarm bells my soul and spirit had long been ringing. I would later learn that "burn out is never about the weight you carry but about how you carry the weight." Clearly, I wasn't carrying the weight of my life well anymore and maybe I never actually knew how to; turns out wrong form and pre-existing injury will only get you so far before a major injury.
On this sabbatical, I knew I needed to focus on healing and recharging. This time would be about working on the roots of who I am and not on the branches of what I do. This would be about stewardship and becoming the kind of person that can work through pain and hardship and do the things God is calling me to do. In summary, I took a break from all my doings so I could focus on being.
Strange, huh? We live in a world that is committed to creating and producing so not producing or performing is very naked and vulnerable and requires courage. Well, pat me on the back because I took that courageous step, albeit very scared and very tired. Today, I'd like to share a little bit about my journey so far, as one often does on anniversaries.
My soul
The first thing that needed healing and recharging was my soul so I began with therapy, specifically EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and reflective meditation and prayer. I've always known therapy was good in theory but after a few months, I'm convinced it can be a powerful strategy in healing.
Feeling
Turns out you can't shut off feeling certain emotions without shutting off feeling all emotions fully. A few years ago, I made an important decision: I feel all my feelings and discharge them safely and completely. I'm still on a journey to doing that but this year, I learned how to cry. Don't get me wrong, I cry from time to time but only under extreme pain, like my friend dying or me shattering my knee, after-all I’m still human. I had snuffed out my emotions so much that I had to learn how to let myself cry. For those that are learning too, here are the 3 things I now do in the moment to allow myself cry when I need to:
Still my body: no shaking legs or bouncing feet, no wringing hands
Relax my face: unclench my jaw, untuck my lip
Breath deeply: in through my nose, hold for a few seconds, out through my mouth softly and slowly
Then the tears come, slowly at first but with a steady drip.
Discharging
Tears were not the only thing I've had to allow myself express. There was anger. One afternoon in therapy, I was rocking back and forth on the sofa because I couldn't bring myself to express the anger in me. I felt it but this good Christian girl couldn't dare use the words coming to mind or say the things I was thinking. My therapist got up and said, "I need to find a bat." She pulled an armchair close to me and said, "Imagine the person is sitting right there. Take this and hit it as hard as you can but make sure you have the right stance like this." After her demonstration of the stance, I took from her hand a cardboard roll and stared at the chair. Then I hit it. "Again!" she said. I hit it again with a little more gusto. "Again! But let out a sound like Serena does when she hits a ball." I understood the assignment. I beat the couch with loud groans till the cardboard roll turned to pulp. Then she handed me another and I did the same and sat down panting. She said, "Well done but you're not done" and she handed me another roll. When I was done, I sank back on the couch and cried. She covered me with a blanket and we sat in silence for five minutes. After that, processing my remaining emotions was so much easier. It reminded me of what happens every time I drink my default coffee drink: a cappuccino with soy milk and no sugar. It often arrives with foamy goodness at the top like clouds but it's not till I remove that top layer of foam by drinking it that I get to the coffee. Likewise, it wasn't till I could remove that obstructing foam of anger by expressing it, that I could get to the real pain underneath. I had discharged my anger safely and completely.
Releasing
There was one morning I woke up and heard in my heart, "read Acts 7." That was not my thought, I mused. It was oddly specific and very random so I figured it must be God. I opened up my Bible app and read it. Half way through I thought, "Um, God, I see nothing here related to me or anything I've prayed about o." Then I got to the last line and instantly knew why I was here: "And falling on his knees, he cried out loudly, Lord, fix not this sin upon them [lay it not to their charge]! And when he had said this, he fell asleep [in death]."Acts 7:60. People were stoning Steven to death for professing Jesus as Messiah and with his final breaths, he asks God not to charge it to them as sin. Whaaaaaaat? Okay, I get it. I need to forgive those that have hurled stones at me. Stones intended not just to wound but to destroy me. I could see the stones. They were memories of past hurt and trauma. They all still hurt. And I needed to release the pain and release them.
I still have more layers of healing to do so as I begin the third month of my journey. I can feel myself beginning to not only rest but actually recharge. I'll speak more about that in another post, on another day. Till then, take care of yourself. After all, it's mental health awareness month.
